I hurt so much! Do other people feel this way, or am
I overreacting?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is completely normal and natural. Every pet owner who considers
a pet a beloved friend and companion, a true family member, goes through exactly what you are going through now. You are not
being overly sentimental, or weak, or foolish to grieve.
You may have spent 10 or 15 years with this pet. During that time,
the pet was a constant part of your life, always ready to give you love and comfort and companionship. Pets provide unconditional,
non-judgmental love. So don't be surprised if you feel devastated by the ending of such a powerful relationship, however long
or brief. Other people who don't understand the pet/owner relationship may not understand your pain. That doesn't matter.
All that matters is what you feel. Those feelings are valid, and can be extremely painful. You are not alone, though: Hundreds
of thousands of people have felt what you fell, and go through these feelings over and over again as the build new loving
relationships with new pets.
What can I expect to feel?
Different people
experience grief in different ways. Besides your sorrow and loss, which can be devastating in itself, you may experience one
or more of the following: guilt, anger, denial, and depression.
Guilt may come if you feel that you were somehow responsible for the
pet's death - the "if only I had been more careful!" syndrome. It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with
the responsibility for the illness or accident that claimed your pet's life. Weighing yourself down with guilt only makes
it that much more difficult to work through your loss.
Denial is difficulty accepting that the pet is really gone. Some of
this is natural; it's hard to imagine that it wont' come running to greet you, or that it doesn't need its evening meal. Some
pet owners carry this to extremes, however, and fear that the pet is really alive somewhere and suffering. Others find it
difficult to bring a new pet into the household because they feel it violates the memory of the old one.
Anger may be directed at the illness that killed the pet, the driver
of the speeding care, or even the veterinarian who "failed" to save the pet's life. Sometimes anger is justified, but carried
to extremes, it only distracts you from the important task of working through your grief.
Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but if unchecked, can
leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression robs you of motivation, even of the desire to get up in
the morning. Dwelling on your sorrow without working on a resolution for it can spiral into a painful trap in which your grief
only gets more bitter.
What can I do about these feelings?
The
most important step you can take is to be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. Don't deny that you are feeling
pain, or that you feel guilty or angry. Only by looking at these feelings and coming to terms with tem can you begin to work
through them.
Do you have a right to feel pain? Yes! Someone you loved has died,
and you are going to feel alone, bereaved. Do you have a right to feel guilt or anger? Certainly! Acknowledge those feelings
first, then begin to ask whether the facts justify them.
Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Instead, express it: Cry,
scream, pound the floor, talk it out - do whatever helps you most. Some people seek to avoid grief by trying not to think
about the departed pet, but this doesn't help either. Instead, reminisce - but reminisce about the good times, the pleasure
of its company, not about the times that caused you sorrow. This will help you understand what the pet meant to you and what
its loss means to you. Pet owners have found it helpful to express their memories and feelings in poems, stories, or letters.
Other coping techniques include rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have spent with the pet; removing
the pet's things from sight (though some find keeping the pet's things is important too); preparing some sort of physical
memorial such as a photo collage; and talking to people about your loss.
Who can I talk to?
It's important to find
someone understanding to talk to. If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand what you are going through. Don't
hide your feelings from them in a misguided attempt to appear strong and calm. If your friends don't see your need for comfort,
they won't be able to provide it! Find someone that you can talk to about what the pet meant to you and how much you miss
it, someone who won't be embarrassed to see you cry or grieve. Working through your feelings with another person is on eof
the best ways to put them in perspective and learn how to handle them.
If you don't have understanding friends or family, ask your veterinarian
or humane society to recommend a pet loss counselor. Check with your church, or ask a local hospital about grief counseling.
Remember that your grief is just as genuine and deserving of comfort and help as grief for the loss of a human loved one.
Seek out other people in your community who are involved with pets, such as members of a local dog or cat club. Many pet trainers
offer grief counseling; check your local directory.
What should I tell my children?
Some people
fear that their children can't handle the news of the death of a pet. You are the best judge of what your children can and
can't understand, based on their ages and personalities, but don't underestimate them. Children today are exposed to input
from a variety of sources, much of it misleading. You may find, by being honest with your children about what happened to
the pet, that you now have an opportunity to correct some misconceptions they may have had about death and dying.
Honesty is important. If you are going to say that the pet was "put
to sleep", be sure that your children understand the difference between this and ordinary sleep. Don't' say "It went away"
or "It didn't want to stay here anymore." A child may then wait in anguish for the pet to come home again, or wonder what
he or she did to make the pet so unhappy that it wanted to leave. Make it clear that the pet will not come back, but that
it is happy and at peace wherever it is.
Accept you children's grief as you accept your own. Don't try to hide
your sorrow from them, or they may fear that you won't understand their and hid it form you. Discuss the issue with the whole
family if possible, giving everyone a chance to work through their emotions and pain together.
